Earlier today, I had a conversation with a professional contact with whom my contract was coming to an end. After closing out the transition discussion and asking me what I was doing next, he told me quite simply:
“You need to get your shit together. What do you want? Want to do you want to do? Make it happen!”
The worst part is, he’s right. I think. Or not?
The past year has certainly been a transition for me – becoming single, living on my own, continuing to build my business while adding in other activities such as yoga and photography that allow my to embrace my creative side. Part of me is happier than I’ve ever been, although even with so many positive (I think) changes I regularly feel distracted, anxious, stressed out, insecure.
I’ve asked myself what I want to do, who I want to be, where I want to go a million times. Is it all right that I don’t know the answer? That I can’t even grab a pen and paper to start writing down a few ideas and setting a few goals? That my shit is so, so NOT together? That as of now, all I think I can manage is to continue to bob along in the sea of life and see where the current takes me?
Yesterday, I did something remarkable (for me anyway). I was exhausted, and even though it was late afternoon / early evening, I took an amazing nap. Then … wait for it … I sat on the couch and read a book. And I felt a little guilty … because I didn’t feel guilty at all about not doing the million and a half other things that I needed to do. If anything, I was in awe as I cannot for the life of me remember the last time I allowed myself to do something that wasn’t directly related to something on my agenda or to-do list.
I know that I am currently not leading a “conventional” life, whatever the definition of “conventional” is. I think I am still recovering from the whiplash of all the years of school, getting on the professional fast track, marriage, my brother’s suicide etc. Maybe what I want — what I need — to do right now is chill, have a little fun, and address any consequences that may result as they happen. Is that so completely irresponsible? As long as I manage to pay my bills and I am not hurting anyone else, is this so wrong?
For those who have known me for any period of time, you know how radical it is for me to think this way. I am a driven, focused, goal-oriented, results-generating machine, damn it! Am I just being lazy? Do I need to get off my ass and figure my shit out? Or do I enjoy the ability to have a little down time, knowing that I will return to the craziness of my life at some point in the future?
I don’t know. And that’s terrifying — especially as there may just not be a right answer.