It has been a very trying few weeks. The highlight? Having a complete and total breakdown in front of a group of people whom I just met three weeks ago, for no reason whatsoever. Well, probably for a million reasons that have built up for some time, but this particular outburst emerged from nothing more than a bit of regular, everyday confusion, disorientation and exhaustion. Bring on the tears.
About a month ago, I paid a trip to the local emergency room (don’t worry, everything is fine). As the nurse was checking me in and reviewing my medical files, she asked if I had a family history of anything that she should make note about.
I imagine that the expectation was an answer along the lines of, “heart disease” or “high blood pressure”. Wouldn’t such a simple answer like that be nice! I debated whether to respond, knowing that my answer would be a bit more … complicated. So, when I decided to tell her about my brother, I asked her if that little piece of my family history was significant. She looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “Well, yes I would think so!”.
This circle of craziness that has trapped me for the past month (years?) or so has been a brutal reminder that perhaps I will never be “all better”. No, I am not ill (at least not in the textbook definition, nor do I believe I am depressed even if a few indicators say otherwise) but I may never get through a day/week/month without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. When least expected, and probably at the least appropriate times, I will be reminded of the pain and sadness of the loss of my brother, the dissolution of my marriage, and a million other family/friend/personal issues — whether or not I recognize what the specific cause is, sometimes the trapped emotion just has to be released. RIGHT NOW.
This is very frustrating for me — I hate, HATE not being in control. And right now I feel as though I am not in control at all — of my personal life, professional life, and every other kind of life in between. As much as I try to focus, calm things down and exhale, I keep getting pulled into directions that I don’t want to go, or the proverbial carpet is unexpectedly pulled out from under me.
In other words I am currently an emotional train wreck. And it blows.
God I am pathetic.
But today is another day, another week, and soon it will be a new month. One foot in front of the other, knowing that the road may be rocky at best.
I think it’s time to bring out the bulldozer.
How can I help? I wish I was closer. Please reach out anytime. I love you and you are not alone.
I love you too. I am just going through a phase – too overwhelmed with everything! Trying to simplify, if that’s even possible 🙂 xoxo
I’m sorry, L. Know that you’re not alone: people are surrounding you that you can talk to not only because they care, but because some of us can relate.
I know you said you don’t think you’re depressed, and you might not be, I don’t know. Even if you were, though, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It sucks a gigantic fat one, especially when you find yourself surrounded by seemingly happy people and you want to scream at them “How are you people always so fucking lovely?!?”, but it’ll make you stronger in the end. Whatever you’re battling, fuck that thing. I’m rooting for you.
The crazy lady that has cried almost every day for the past 2 months and shouldnt give anyone advice. 🙂
Thanks love 🙂 I think it’s more that I’m tired of acting like a seemingly happy person. It’s exhausting!!
Hang in there yourself … you know I am here for you too xoxo
I am sorry. Totally thinking of you, AND you are so not alone. I wish I could get my thoughts/feelings down as you do. Hang in there. Love ya!!
What your other friends said … me too. I’m here, you’re not alone, and depression blows chunks. Redefining yourself — post marriage or post-family member is not easy, nor is it supposed to be. In other words, cut yourself some slack. ‘K?
hmm, thinking it’s a good thing we scheduled laughter and wine next week!
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Sending you huge hugs and thoughts of happiness your way! Let me know if you ever want to meet for coffee sometime to catch up. XO
First of all, you are not pathetic. You are a normal human being with ups and downs, you have had some very significant life-changing issues to deal with, more than mist people, and you have survived. That alone is worth celebrating. I for one think you are amazing. Your spirit, your humor, your candidness, your fun personality — you are a wonderful human being who has been dealt a very, very crappy hand. I admire you, think you rock and am here to support you. Keep blogging, it helps to let this all out. And when you are ready, start to take back the control you feel you are losing. Do something to seize the moment, make a phone call, make a decision you may be struggling with, make a change.
Don’t let the tragedies in life define you, rather let how you overcome them be a better testament to who you are, the strength and character that you have.
You can do it. Love you girl!