It has been a very trying few weeks. The highlight? Having a complete and total breakdown in front of a group of people whom I just met three weeks ago, for no reason whatsoever. Well, probably for a million reasons that have built up for some time, but this particular outburst emerged from nothing more than a bit of regular, everyday confusion, disorientation and exhaustion. Bring on the tears.
About a month ago, I paid a trip to the local emergency room (don’t worry, everything is fine). As the nurse was checking me in and reviewing my medical files, she asked if I had a family history of anything that she should make note about.
I imagine that the expectation was an answer along the lines of, “heart disease” or “high blood pressure”. Wouldn’t such a simple answer like that be nice! I debated whether to respond, knowing that my answer would be a bit more … complicated. So, when I decided to tell her about my brother, I asked her if that little piece of my family history was significant. She looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “Well, yes I would think so!”.
This circle of craziness that has trapped me for the past month (years?) or so has been a brutal reminder that perhaps I will never be “all better”. No, I am not ill (at least not in the textbook definition, nor do I believe I am depressed even if a few indicators say otherwise) but I may never get through a day/week/month without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. When least expected, and probably at the least appropriate times, I will be reminded of the pain and sadness of the loss of my brother, the dissolution of my marriage, and a million other family/friend/personal issues — whether or not I recognize what the specific cause is, sometimes the trapped emotion just has to be released. RIGHT NOW.
This is very frustrating for me — I hate, HATE not being in control. And right now I feel as though I am not in control at all — of my personal life, professional life, and every other kind of life in between. As much as I try to focus, calm things down and exhale, I keep getting pulled into directions that I don’t want to go, or the proverbial carpet is unexpectedly pulled out from under me.
In other words I am currently an emotional train wreck. And it blows.
God I am pathetic.
But today is another day, another week, and soon it will be a new month. One foot in front of the other, knowing that the road may be rocky at best.
I think it’s time to bring out the bulldozer.