Seeing the Light Through the Shit Storm

On July 1, I posted the following status update to my (personal) Facebook account:

Happy birth month to me!!

Since the last two months have been … well, challenging … I vow to have a ridiculously amazing month.

You’ve been warned.

Yeah, so, well, July was positively vile. Whatever. It’s my life – unrealistic expectations belong to only me, so therefore I and I alone own the disappointment, and have no one to blame for it but myself. Kinda used to this by now, so here I am.

That said, I definitely hit some lowest lows in the past 31 days. I feel that at some point in the future, this will be the time I reflect back on and realize that it was July 2013 when I totally gave up on people, stopped giving a shit, and started to live as a recluse in order to remove myself from the fucking nonsense that I want no part of. I can’t say it will be when the downward spiral started (I trace that back to 1983), but rather when I decided to put a bow on it and said “Fuck you, world! I’m done.”

While that is truth, I’m not a pathetic fucking loser like my brother so I continue to put one foot in front of the other each day — and here we are, it’s August. I hate dwelling in negative, because I believe if you’re miserable you have no one to blame but yourself. And honestly, I’m not miserable. As I said before, I’m used to this; apparently I’ve established my new normal. I found a place where I am perfectly fine, detached from emotion where I can instead just focus on existing. Just being. I just “am”; nothing more.

So let’s pretend the month was ***OMFG awesome!!*** and list out the highlights. What can I say, even in the darkest times, blinded by all the fucking shit that is thrown my way, there are moments of light. Times when I may smile. Even exhale. Realize there are a few things to be grateful for.

  • My 20th high school reunion. A bit surreal to be back in Buffalo and to see so many familiar (yet slightly older) names and faces. I am glad that I went.
  • Escaping the oppressive D.C. heat wave to visit Santa Monica, Calif. for a few days and spend time with an old friend. The weather there was bad for California standards, but I was very excited to be able to wear jeans and a sweater. In July!
  • Reconnecting with a girlfriend whom I rarely get to see. We finally managed to carve out time for a night out, then I saw her again on my birthday. Yay for picking up right where we left off.
  • Epic naps. Like, 2-3 hours long, the kind that are so amazingly necessary that I still fall asleep right on time and feel like a new person the next day. Thanks to some early work days I managed to squeeze in a few of these. Absolutely heaven. I love sleep.
  • Teaching. I am definitely re-invigorated as a teacher and am ready to move forward with my advanced 500 hour yoga teacher training. I’ve loved spending time this summer as an instructor both in the yoga studio and at the flying trapeze school — from teaching kids in a summer circus camp, to watching my flying trapeze workshop students see all their hard work pay off as they performed a fabulous show. Teaching fulfills me and I desperately needed the reminder.
  • Took my first trampoline jump post-vertigo. While rusty, for the most part I am picking up where I left off. Finally, somewhere where I don’t feel like my body has completely betrayed me.
  • Budget-friendly wines. I have found a solid 3-4 red wines I like — and that delivers! — in the $10 range. Good taste on a budget. OK, just regular taste that the wine snob would scrunch his or her nose at. But I’m thirsty and broke. These work for me, and show up on my doorstep.
  • My first ambulance ride!! And on my birthday no less!!! (nope, wasn’t the patient. yep, this may be a bit sarcastic but again, trying to see the positive in an otherwise utterly horrific day).
  • Paid off all outstanding parking tickets in DC and the Commonwealth of Virginia. Until yesterday, when I got a new one, but at least for a brief shining moment in July, I was not a motor vehicle criminal.

So, now for August. Ready for a new month of shit storms. But I’m not worried. I’m kinda getting used to it.

Life After Normal

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