Well folks, here it is — my first post as an officially divorced woman. Finally, some long-awaited closure to one of my many life dramas.
Closure is a strange thing. First and foremost, it’s a wonderful relief. Finally, the ability to put something horrible behind me and to truly embrace moving forward. Being handed the papers that indicated my marriage was over lifted hundreds of pounds of weight off of my shoulders. I could feel that always-clenched fist with its iron grip around my stomach and my heart release, and a great big exhale was finally possible. It was liberating.
On the other hand, closure also brings up some hard emotions and memories. The reality is, divorce is incredibly sad. As I approached the official end date to my marriage, emotion overwhelmed me. It strangely had nothing to do with my ex, details around our relationship or the fact that our marriage was ending, but more was a reminder of how incredibly painful the past five-plus years of my life have been. There have been so many changes and so much tragedy. For starters, while my brother’s suicide wasn’t the cause of my divorce it certainly was a catalyst, so dealing with the final steps was just a brutal reminder of all the loss and pain.
For once, on purpose, I decided to let myself feel the emotion. All of it. The happy and the sad. It wasn’t pretty, but I let it out. And trust me, it’s all out! I am cleansed of a lot of pain and happy to be moving forward with my new (old) name, new demographic category (marital status? Check “D”!) and new possibilities.
Thank you to the people that held back their ridiculous — although I assume well-meaning — comments (Wow! I can’t believe he left you! You’re so lucky you didn’t have kids!) and instead offered your support and friendship. I’m glad the “Why aren’t you divorced yet?” conversations are over, that’s for sure.
So here’s to what’s next. I’m open to the possibilities!